You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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