Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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