Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So much Jack, so little girl.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize