Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This is my gift to your gina
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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