every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
