yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
