Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
