she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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