I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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