; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
