I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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