you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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