Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
