getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
