Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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