I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
