i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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