I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
