listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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