There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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