Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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