i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize