& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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