I must be too annoying 4 u.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
