He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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