I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
