you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
