Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I didn't notice because vodka
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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