I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
