I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
