did you get engaged???
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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