i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
