Your face is a jimmy john
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am available for nakedness
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
