gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize