Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
