What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
