The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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