she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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