I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
