I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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