I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
