she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
