I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
