my vag is so smooth its legendary
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
