I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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