Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
