What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
