take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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