I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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