Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
