people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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