i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
