i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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