I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize