Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
