I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
