I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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