If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
